Mutant Television
by Red Witch
Summary: The X-Men and the Brotherhood try to come up with new ideas to promote mutant peace, but end up doing the same old stuff.


**I have been flipping around the channels and I still can't find the disclaimer saying that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters and any other television shows. Here's just something that came into my head about the ramblings of how it's hard to find anything original on TV. In other words the same old stuff you've heard before. **

**Mutant Television**

"In the spirit of this meeting I propose we start with a nice healthy glass of potato-aide!" Fred held a pitcher of some strange brown liquid. "Who wants some?"

"Maybe we should just go back to fighting the Brotherhood?" Scott groaned. "Because this stupid treaty of us getting along is **killing** me!"

"Look Summers this isn't exactly my idea of a good time either," Lance pointed out. "But your boss and my boss is making us have this little pow wow to think up ideas on promoting mutant peace so we might as well get this nightmare over with."

"Yeah but why do we have to have it **here?**" Bobby asked. Scott, Jean, Rogue, Kitty, Kurt and Bobby were at the kitchen table of the Brotherhood House with the members of the Brotherhood.

"Dude you really want them trashing our **place?**" Kurt gave him a look.

"I still say we should have went with the mutant theme park idea," Todd grumbled. "I can't believe Magneto wrecked it!"

"Considering the fact that you stole most of the metal from his base **I can**," Scott gave him a look. "Not that I don't applaud your initiative. So has anyone come up with any other ideas on how we can work together to promote mutant/human relations?"

"OOH! OOH!" Todd raised his hand.

"Anyone **other **than Toad?" Scott said in a bored voice.

"What do you think?" Pietro gave him a look.

"Right, stupid question," Scott sighed. "All right Toad what insane idea have you come up with this time?"

"We get ourselves a TV station and put on our own network! Mutant TV! Or XTV if you guys are ready to pay for more than half of it," Todd said cheerfully. He pulled out a large piece of cardboard. "I've already written up the new fall schedule! Ta da!"

"Now leaving on track nine," Scott said. "Another insane idea from Toad! All aboard!"

"Actually Toad does have a good idea," Lance defended his team mate. "By having our own network run by mutants for mutants, we can get a lot of good propaganda out there."

"Yeah like the Fox News Network only not half as boring," Pyro nodded.

"Certainly never a dull moment around you guys I gotta admit," Kurt sighed.

"Toad all these shows are rip offs of other shows that have **already** been on television!" Jean said.

"Like I said, just like any other network!" Todd said.

"He's got you there, Jean," Kurt admitted.

"Oh come on! Look at these so called ideas!" Jean held up the list. "Two and a Half Mutants. Mutant or No Mutant. MCI: Mutant Crime Investigation. The Mutant Mole. Mutant's Kitchen. American Mutant. Dancing With the Mutants. They're all the exact same shows with mutant in the title!"

"Not **all** of them," Todd said. "See, that one. Who Wants To Beat Up Duncan Matthews?"

"I admit I think **that** title is kind of catchy," Scott remarked.

"Look I don't know why you guys are fighting this," Lance said. "You guys are always preaching how mutants should get along with humans without fighting and here we come with an idea of how to get our message across without fighting and you **hate** it!"

"We don't hate the idea of mutant run television shows," Jean began.

"Yes we do," Rogue said.

"Rogue!" Jean snapped.

"It's gonna backfire on us, just like every other stupid plan," Rogue shook her head. "I mean come on, who's gonna watch the same thing they've run a million times before?"

"Oh please! They do this stuff all the time on network TV!" Pietro said. "Like that show Two and A Half Men. It's a combination of the Odd Couple and My Three Sons only they subtracted two of the sons!"

"And Oscar is better looking and gets a lot more action," Wanda admitted.

"ER: That's a gorier version of St. Elsewhere without the snow globe thing at the end of the series," Kurt agreed. **(1)**

"All those Star Trek shows where every week they just fly around to different planets getting into trouble," Pyro said.

"Talk shows where the same people go on to plug their movies and stuff," Lance went on. "All those Judge shows where two idiot whiners take their case to court. Tabloid shows with the same pictures of Tiffany Weapon's tattoos and cellulite!"

"Family shows where the same idiot parents make the same idiot mistakes with their idiot kids who say the same smart remarks," Wanda added.

"The end of Newhart just ripped off the Dallas dream thing and made it make sense," Kurt said. "Of course in that case it was an improvement." Everyone looked at him. "What? I watch a lot of old television shows." **(2)**

"Let's not forget the plethora of CSI and Law and Order spin-offs," Fred nodded.

"Wow, you actually know what the worth plethora **means?**" Rogue blinked.

"I've been watching a lot of historical dramas lately," Fred said proudly.

"You mean the Tudors," Scott rolled his eyes.

"Hey Henry the Eighth is a bastard but he's a hot bastard," Wanda spoke.

"Didn't they **already** do a miniseries of this years ago in the Seventies?" Kurt asked. "And a few movies?"

"Yup, like I said the same old thing," Pietro agreed. "Another case in point. American Gladiators…American Gladiators!"

"Family Guy: Simpsons," Bobby quipped. "That's all I am going to say."

"Oh now wait a minute! That is totally wrong and biased!" Lance snapped. "Family Guy is a spoof of all those other crappy shows and family shows on television! It is purposely sexist and stupid to show how sexist and stupid all those other shows are!"

"And what's the Simpsons? A political discussion?" Bobby asked.

"It can be yes, depending on the episode," Kurt folded his arms.

"Oh God not another three hour debate on **this** again…" Rogue began to hit her head on the table.

"They're **both** cartoons, they **both** make fun of everything and they **both** have an idiot fat guy as the star," Jean said. "Can't we just leave it at **that?"**

"Iceman's just mad because they called him gay on that show," Pietro snickered.

"What?" Kitty was surprised to hear this. "You're kidding!"

"I should sue that show for character defamation!" Bobby growled.

"Come on Iceman, can't you take a joke?" Lance smirked.

"Hey let's see how funny you find it when **you're** depicted sliding into gay porno theaters!" Bobby snapped.

"But aren't you gay anyway?" Pyro scratched his head.

"What? Where did you get **that** idea?" Bobby yelled.

"Dunno just got that vibe," Pyro shrugged. "Like you're in denial about it."

"I AM NOT IN DENIAL ABOUT BEING GAY!" Bobby shouted.

"That's just what someone in denial would say," Pyro shrugged.

"Listen you flaming lunatic…" Bobby growled.

"Iceman you are arguing with a man who is convinced that **pineapples** are plotting to overthrow the world and **rabbits **are running the CIA," Wanda stopped him from losing control.

"I never said rabbits are running the CIA!" Pyro snapped. "I said the rabbits are working for the **FBI!** Pay attention will ya? You sound as clueless as Iceman about his sexuality."

"OKAY! THAT'S IT!" Bobby tried to leap over and kill Pyro but was held back by Scott and Jean. "COME ON! JUST LET ME FREEZE HIS BLOOD A LITTLE!"

"Why do I have the feeling I've seen this before?" Scott blinked. "Oh well. Can we get back on topic here?" **(3)**

"That depends," Fred blinked. "What was the topic again?"

"Don't look at me," Rogue said. "Even I forgot!"

"Toad's insane idea for television shows," Wanda sighed. "That and Reason Number 562 of Why My Life is a Living Hell."

"Hey I got a lot of good ideas!" Todd protested. "We could have mutant talk shows with mutant guests…"

"I could do that," Pietro said.

"Pietro, a talk show host has to occasionally **listen** to other people sometimes," Rogue gave him a look. "Even Tyra Banks can't get around that."

"Mutant news about mutant events…" Todd went on. "And we could warn people like when Kitty's driving again."

"That would be a good service for the community," Kurt chuckled.

"Or help mutants with programs about their mutations or dealing with their sexuality…" Pyro went on.

"This just in, my will to live has disappeared," Bobby groaned.

"We can make music videos, after school specials about being a mutant…" Todd went on.

"Why is Johnny Blue and on Fire?" Pietro snickered.

"Is that a trick question?" Fred scratched his head.

"Go back to drinking your potato juice Blob," Pietro sighed.

"That is **potato juice?"** Kitty blinked. "I thought I just misheard it before."

"If only..." Lance sighed.

"It's an old farm favorite," Fred smiled. "Helps build muscles! Hey we could have a mutant cooking show!"

"I know what to call it if Kitty hosts it," Todd snickered. "A Hundred and One Ways To Poison People!"

"I never poisoned anyone!" Kitty snapped. "Well not deliberately."

"Tell that to all the people you served the last time you worked in Bayville High's cafeteria," Bobby gave her a look.

"Look when a judge acquits someone of all charges it means that person is innocent!" Kitty snapped. "So drop it!"

"Too bad we couldn't drop the lawsuits as quickly," Jean grumbled. "Uh does anyone else see a giraffe in the yard?"

"Oh yeah, that's the premise of another show," Todd nodded. "Mutant Wild Kingdom! All about mutant animals!"

"Hey! What's it doing to my car?" Scott yelled. "HEY! GET AWAY FROM THAT! YOU'LL RUIN THE PAINT JOB!" He ran outside.

"And here comes the **insane** conclusion…" Rogue groaned. "Right on schedule!"

"Why did you steal a giraffe?" Jean yelled.

"Because I didn't want the penguin to get lonely," Todd blinked.

"Speaking of which I think he got out of the room," Pyro said.

"WAK! WAK! WAK!" A penguin waddled into the kitchen.

"You maniacs stole **another** penguin?" Kitty yelled.

"Not another penguin," Todd said. "It's the same one we stole last time." **(4) **

"Oh no! He's right!" Kurt began to panic. "I recognize it's evil beady eyes! It wants to kill me!"

"Oh for crying out loud Kurt..." Rogue groaned.

"EVIL PENGUIN! EVIL PENGUIN!" Kurt ran for his life.

"WAK! WAK! WAK! WAK!"

"GET AWAY FROM MY TAIL YOU EVIL FLIGHTLESS MONSTER!" Kurt screamed.

"Wow, I never saw a penguin move that fast before," Pyro blinked. "Okay there was this one guy in a penguin suit that I kind of accdientally set on fire but still..."

"Hey if the giraffe and the penguin got out then that means…?" Fred realized.

"THE MONKEYS!" Pietro yelled and zipped out.

"Monkey?" Wanda yelled. "PIETRO YOU PROMISED ME NO MONKEYS!"

"I PROMISE NOTHING!" Pietro yelled.

"JEAN! HELP! I'M BEING MAULED BY A GIRAFFE!" Scott screamed.

"Oh this I gotta see!" Lance laughed as he ran out.

"I can't wait until this truce is over!" Jean yelled. Then she heard the sirens. "Now what?"

"Hey look guys! We're gonna be on Cops again!" Todd said cheerfully. "I recognize the camera crew!"

"What are they doing here?" Kitty yelled.

"Uh maybe it has something to do with the rampaging monkeys on the front lawn?" Wanda gave her a look.

"GOOD THEY CAN ARREST THE KILLER PENGUIN!" Kurt screamed. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Too bad it wasn't the Bravo Network," Pyro quipped. "Maybe they could help Iceman…"

"I'M NOT EVEN GONNA WAIT FOR YOU TO FINISH THAT CRACK!" Bobby jumped Pyro and the two of them started to fight.

"HEY! SOMEBODY GET THIS MONKEY OFF OF ME!" A small monkey jumped on Kitty's back. "STOP MESSING WITH MY HAIR!"

"SCOTT! STOP SCREAMING! YOU'RE SCARING THE GIRAFFE!" Jean shouted. "AVALANCHE PUT DOWN THAT CAMERA AND HELP ME HERE!"

"This will be great footage for a new reality show!" Lance cackled. "When Stupid Things Happen to Cyclops!"

"THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN UP AND PLEASE SIGN THESE CONSENT FORMS!"

"Oh goody," Rogue groaned. "I've always wanted to be in television."

**1 Spoiler Alert: At the end of the series St. Elsewhere it turns out that the entire series took place in the imagination of an autistic boy staring at a snow globe with a hospital inside it. Weird huh? **

**2 Another Spoiler Alert: The end of the series Newhart used the infamous Dallas dream sequence to explain the entire series. How else would you explain an heiress working as a maid and the two Darryls? It also tied into the first series Bob Newhart did on TV in the Seventies which is very funny. **

**3 Yet ****another****Spoiler Alert: If you haven't read any of my Misfit fics there's a running joke going on where Pyro thinks Bobby is gay because during a body swapping episode Firestar came onto Pyro while in Bobby's body in order to save her body from Pyro's advances. (Which Bobby happened to be inhabiting at the time). Yes the weirdness keeps on coming. **

**4 Check out the fic 'Everybody Loves Penguins' by yours truly. **

**5 Yes I'm also using notes like a lot of other people do (Like my good buddy L1710E!). Mostly to make a point but then again I don't really do many original stuff either so…Happy TV watching everyone! **


End file.
